Mind-expanding tips for twenty-somethings

Last week the Independent newspaper published a list titled “30 mind-expanding experiences you should have before you’re 30.” “Entitled” would have been more apt, as the list was one that was so dripping with privilege that it was impossible to take it seriously. As a (not rich) parent of a (not rich) twenty-something this list made me so cross that I thought I would write my own.

I have no qualifications for this advice other than being the parent of a twenty-something, and being 50 with a good memory and lots of life experience. I’ve had wild times, and bad times, good times and sad times – and these have brought me to a list of things that really are “mind-expanding” for a twenty-something.

Of course you can ignore it all and just be you – and that’s the first bit of advice that really matters. You’re not a child, make your own decisions and if it doesn’t work for you, ditch it. You’re probably doing most of this stuff already.

For what it’s worth, here is my list of twenty-something tips that might be genuinely mind-expanding for twenty-somethings. It’s not a bucket list, or a list of things to purchase or spend money on, it’s just a list of things that will make your life a bit better. They are certainly things I wish I’d known in my twenties.

Sort out your friends.

School and (possibly) university are done and now it’s time to take a long look at who you consider a friend. You are under no obligation to hang on to friends who don’t give a crap about you. History doesn’t bind you to your friends, loyalty and love does.

Learn to love your body

You’ll probably never be fitter or stronger than you are now. The shape of your body is irrelevant, so learn to stop caring about what other people think of it. Do you feel well? Then that’s a good thing and you should take the time to appreciate that.

Stop caring what other people think of your tastes

Like whatever music, books, films, art, comics, clothes etc you want to like. Stop accepting the judgement of others. If your tastes make you happy, then indulge and enjoy them. You’ll soon find other people who like and value the same things.

Get outside

You’re going to spend a lot of your life cooped up inside for one reason or another, so when you get the chance, get outside – and I mean really outside. Walk in the wild. Climb a tree. Feed the ducks. Sit in moonlight. Search in rockpools. Swim in a lake. Sleep in the open air. Breathe…

Learn how to be alone

You’ll probably spend most of your time in the company of others. This is great, but it can strip you of the ability to be truly alone. Go to see a movie alone, or eat alone, or just clear time so that you can sit in peace with your own thoughts.

Embrace silence

Our lives are very noisy. Once in a while sit with your own thoughts and do absolutely nothing. Turn everything off and learn to be comfortable in silence and to stretch your thoughts to new corners.

Stop smoking

If you’ve managed to get into your twenties never smoking – awesome. If you are a smoker, stop now. Your fifty-year-old self will thank you for it.

Make a difference

Find a cause and support it. Make a difference to the world that you will occupy in the future. Think of the bigger picture and make a stand. Volunteer for something. Don’t just moan about it, work to change it. Vote, but truly understand what you’re voting for and against. Advocacy matters.

Learn to spot fake news

The world is full of lies – learn to spot them and expose them. Don’t let fake news and lies ruin your future. The more we accept them, the worse your future will become. Always carry out the CRAAP test; currency, relevance, authority, accuracy, purpose. This link will help.

Seek advice, and learn how to take it

Don’t think or feel that you have to do everything and know everything. Ask for help before you are desperate for it. Take advice if you respect the person giving it, and be gracious when ignoring those who mean well but don’t have a clue.

Every day, be kind just for the sake of it

In every situation there is the opportunity to be kind. We have drifted into a society that is chock-full of micro-aggressions. Be aware of them, and act against them. When that lady in the lift is frantically pushing the button because she doesn’t want to share a lift with that old man shuffling towards it – stick your foot in the door. Every day think how you can stick your foot in the door.

Do something creative

Doesn’t matter what you do, just do something creative and imaginative. Doesn’t matter how bad you think you are at it, just do it. Creativity expands the imagination and a more powerful imagination will make your life better. Paint, write, knit, bake, craft, dance, sing, take photos…anything that is creative for pleasure and not function.

Read for pleasure every day

Doesn’t matter what you’re reading, just make some time every day to read just for the hell of it. Might be a book. Might be a comic. Might be a newspaper. Make sure that you read simply for the pleasure of it. Not for study or instruction, just for pleasure. Join and use your library – free books! What’s not to like?

Listen to live music

It will change your life. Hear how a band really meant you to appreciate their sound. Doesn’t matter if it’s in the back room of a pub, or in a huge stadium. Go out and listen live.

Never stop learning

Learn something new every day. Find something that pleases you and learn all about it. Your brain will thank you for it, and so will the rest of the world. Study the world in which you live because it will be yours one day, and we’d very much like you to take care of it. We really dropped the ball on that one. Sorry. 

Plan based around who you love, not on a price tag

Some of the best times you have will also be the cheapest. Make your plans around people and not prices, and acknowledge that what really makes you happy is not an expensive venue, but the people who are there with you.

Let it go

Nothing will churn you up more than bearing a grudge. Is it worth it? Are you harbouring hate over something that in ten years you won’t even remember? Let it go, you’ll thank yourself for it later.

Experiences are more important than things

That expensive thing that you have to have right now? I can guarantee that in a year it will be under dust or in the bin. Gather experiences and not belongings. Your whole life will expand because of them.

Feel the fear, and do it anyway

I know. It’s a bit cheesey. Okay, so you’re afraid of stuff, we all are, but sometimes you should just throw yourself in and do the fearful thing. My grandfather used to say that you’ll never know if you’ll walk this path again. Don’t pass up exciting opportunities because you’re afraid of them. Get out of your comfort zone. Unless it’s a plan from that one friend who is trying to get themselves mangled – then use caution. Be brave, be bold, but there is no need to be stupid.

Say sorry

Not “I’m sorry, but…” or anything that has extra strings or qualifiers. Learn how to accept when you’re wrong and to openly apologise for it.

Learn to be even more tolerant

In friendships or relationships, don’t narrow things to fit an image that you have created. Just because you have expectations for yourself, don’t apply these rules to people around you. You might reply to a text immediately, but that doesn’t mean everyone will. You might be strict and tidy, doesn’t mean your flatmates are. That work colleague might always leave their dirty cups in the sink, but does it really matter if they’re great people? You don’t have to put up with crap, but you also don’t have to pick apart every little thing. Celebrate differences.

Being embarrassed is not a bad thing

Who cares if you look a fool sometimes? The only person who looks really foolish at that Karaoke evening is the one who doesn’t join in. Care less, be foolish more often. It’s liberating.

Organise your debts, and don’t get into more if you can help it.

Don’t spend more than you have, and try to put a little aside for important things. Be brutally honest in your spending priorities. If you are lying to yourself, stop. Plan in advance and then you’ll maybe have a little leftover to be spontaneous.

Be spontaneous

See point above, but remember that spontaneity doesn’t actually have to cost you anything. It might just be calling someone to go for a walk, or having a long chat with an old friend.

Plan your independence

The bank of mum and dad can be really helpful, but ultimately it’s not going to help you to feel free or to take control of your own life. Think ahead and plan your escape.

Check your privilege

Your life has possibly been harder than some people’s, but definitely a lot easier than others. Never forget the privilege you have benefited from, and acknowledge it. Support others who have not had the opportunities that you’ve had.

Know your rights 

And stand up for them. No one has the right to walk over you. It’s not always going to be easy to stand up for your rights, but if you tolerate it, things will only get worse. Get help before you get desperate (see point on seeking help above) You really don’t have to struggle on alone. 

Look up!

Life doesn’t happen through the lens of a camera or through the veil of social media. It’s happening now, all around you. Look up and see the sky, the stars, the human race, and the real world. Walk among the living.

Don’t rush to grow up

There is a big difference between being childlike and being childish. We spend a long time being old, and serious, and carrying the worries of the world on our shoulders. Hang on to the joy of childlike pleasures, in fact hang on to that for your whole life.

Above all, to thine own self be true

Don’t pretend to be something you’re not. Don’t lie to yourself, and don’t change just to fit in with fashion or peers. Ignore lists that make you feel bad about your life. Don’t try to be like the liars and deniers who fill social media with their so-called “awesome” lives. They’re full of crap. Be honest. Be truthful. Be you.

You’re amazing.

 

Dawn Finch, author, librarian, middle-aged person.

 

 

 

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Who’s that trip-trapping over my bridge?

When my book was first picked up from the Harper Collins site authonomy, I unwittingly discovered the world of the Internet troll. It was true that the person who spotted my book had seen it before, but there was never any secret about that. Unfortunately my troll seemed to think they were a latter day Sherlock when they discovered a five year old post about it, and used this to accuse me of all manner of things. I could (partially) understand if they accused me of nepotism – after all if someone didn’t understand the business, and didn’t understand that it takes more than one person to like your work to get published, then it may (at a very cursory glance) have appeared a little odd. But five minutes of thinking about it would have allowed anyone with even basic intelligence to see that it takes a whole lot more than one person supporting your work to get published. It actually has to be good. No publisher worth its salt is going to throw money at a bad book as a favour – it just doesn’t make sense.
That didn’t matter to my troll. I was accused of doing all sorts of things to get my book published, including “whoring” myself out in return for a contract. This was (of course) by someone who had never read my book or anything about it. That one troll lead to a small number of others who seemed to be more along the jealous haters track. By these I was accused of “thick as sh-t high school French” (one of my characters is called D’Scover – he’s not French and there is a reason for his unusual name, but you’d have to read the book to find out) and even accusations of being “totally mentally sick” as I was “glorifying teenage suicide” This baffling accusation apparently came from the name of my character – Edie Freedom. The hater said “come on, e- die freedom, like saying death is freedom?” Actually the character is named after my daughter, and her surname is from the commune on which the character lives. Edie is very much alive and takes great pains throughout the book to remain so!
The point of this is that none of them had actually bothered to read the book. They had bothered to troll around the net, stamping angrily under their shabby bridges and roaring at anyone attempting to quietly pass by, but they couldn’t be bothered to read my story.
I was advised to ignore them, and I did, and they went away, but that’s not always as easy as it sounds. Today a positive online presence is essential to marketing your “brand” (yes, I know, but that’s another issue!) and people hurling crap about can grubby-up your image pretty quickly. We rely on good feedback and good reviews, and trolls drag behind them a bandwagon that is very easy to jump on. All it takes is one to get it started and soon others will follow like flies on a carcass.
Hugely talented writer and illustrator Debi Gliori experienced this in a horrible way, an escalation that almost threatened her career and had misguided people bandwagon jumping with only the flimsiest bits of information.
One thing that always startles me is just how much hate some people allow into their lives. My case was very minor, and I’m thick-skinned, but some of the well reported cases such as the Caroline Criado-Perez case, were truly horrific. How you you laugh off death threats? How you you laugh off threats of such incredible violence and brutality? Surely that’s not possible? I am stunned that people have such hatred in them and are prepared to direct it at real people.
Maybe that’s it, maybe their social disengagement has reached such a profound level of isolation that they can no longer see us as “real” people.
Well, we are. We all are, every single time someone writes something it is from the mind of a real person. Flesh and blood, and with real feelings and real family too. If you choose to voice a strong and balanced negative opinion, then that is your right. If you wish to express your dislike of something then it should express why you feel this, and why you feel the need to tell others. If, however, you feel the need to express the desire to “rape her in the eyes” – it’s genuinely time to seek some form of counselling or intensive anger therapy for your own sake. It’s simply not healthy to allow that level of hatred and anger to dominate your life. How can people live like that?

So get back under your bridge, get some help, live happy, enjoy the world, and let us all trip-trap over to the quieter pastures beyond.